Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seas the day!!!!

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

whenever i wake up before my alarm

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times