I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water