Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

incredible text to wake up to

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.