I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
You Might Also Like
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.