I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
😂🤣😂🤣
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no