Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.