Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.