I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Cat or sheep
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.