I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
You Might Also Like
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.