I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
![]()
You Might Also Like
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
be careful
![]()
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.