Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.