I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking