Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Lmaoo 😂

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.