I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
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Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
We’ve all been there…
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in