I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
💯😂
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My Guy
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”