I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
