I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life