I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
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ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
dads on road-trips be like
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Easy enough.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong