Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.