I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
