Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

good work, detective

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting