Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

My dad is at it again

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.