Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

New mindset, who dis?

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.