I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
You Might Also Like
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.