I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.