I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My Sentiments Exactly
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.