I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Emma is smarter than all of us.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.