I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”