Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

A great first step 😂

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.