I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
sign of the times 🖊
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”