I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
lol
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
You don’t even know
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Happy Taco Tuesday
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out