Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

classic mixup

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?