Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Danger is very dangerous

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*