I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
two people or more is called a problem
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.