I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.