Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

mariah carrie

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

worst…sale…ever

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.