Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”