I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.