Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕