Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power