I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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ouch
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano