Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

figuring out my emotional availability:

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.