Warm pools make me nervous.
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
He wanted to make sure😂
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.