Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.