I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel