I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
You Might Also Like
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”