Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song