I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.