Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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! ! ! !

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.