Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Venn

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Cashiers are always checking me out

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”