Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

My zodiac sign is pistachio

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.