I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me doing my best
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.