I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.