I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting


The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.


On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.


I just ate an entire bag of Werther’s and now I’m 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.


[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]


the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town



ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or



Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea


Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50