I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
You Might Also Like
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u