I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
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stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
my fav colour is also hitler
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus