I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Strangers have the best candy.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago