I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.