I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games