I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
huge if true: the moon
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”