Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Selfie

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)