Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

Good advice.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes