Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur