I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
True
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.