I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
You Might Also Like
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Yes my dude
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.