I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
You Might Also Like
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….