I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.