I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend